The Death Of Spongebob
by fenfenrocks
Summary: A Spongebob Murder Mystery. Who killed SpongeBob?
1. Introductions

**The Death Of SpongeBob: A Spongebob Murder Mystery**

**Chapter One: Introductions**

Inspector Tailfin was a tall, thin and attractive fish, with a shiny body compiled of green scales, and dark, narrowed eyes. When he entered the Krusty Krab, lunch was not on his mind. Storming through the doors, he looked left and right. The establishment was empty save for five people sitting at a table in the middle of the room. One was an off-blue squid with dull, expressionless eyes. The second, barely visible, was a small green plankton with only one eye. The third, a crab with a gleaming red shell, sat next to the fourth, a pink starfish with a repetitive, stupid laugh. The fifth and final, propped up in a chair, was a yellow sponge with X's for eyes. "I'm guessing that's the dead one?"

The crab nodded. "Now can we get this over with quickly? I need to open up the resteraunt again."

"Hm. I'll see what I can do. Eugene Krabs, yes?"

Another nod.

"And... Sheldon Plankton, Squidward Tentacles, Patrick Star. Then..." He looked to the yellow corpse. "Spongebob Squarepants. We won't be long here. I'll just need to ask each of you a few questions, then we'll be through. Mr. Krabs, you're up first. All of you, sit tight." Inspector Tailfin led the crab into his office.

Patrick looked at the unmoving sponge. "Can you make me a Krabby Patty? I'm starving."

_Next time on The Death Of SpongeBob_

"Mr. Krabs, I'd like you to tell me everything you did earlier today."

"Am I getting paid?"

Inspector Tailfin sighed and scribbled something down on his clipboard.


	2. Interview With Mr Krabs

**The Death of Spongebob: A Spongebob Murder Mystery**

**Chapter Two: Interview with Mr. Krabs**

"Have a seat." Inspector Tailfin sat across from Mr. Krabs and looked him straight in the eye. "Mr. Krabs, I'd like for you to tell me everything you did earlier today."

"Am I getting paid?"

Inspector Tailfin sighed and scribbled something down on his notepad. "No, you are not getting paid."

Mr. Krabs stood. "Well, can I at least have my money out on my desk so that it can comfort me?"

"Whatever." He drummed his flipper on the table as Mr. Krabs unveiled an ungodly amount of gold. "Now, explain."

"Well, I woke up. I think that happened first."

"Mmm-hmm. And then?"

Mr. Krabs lifted a coin with an oversized claw and grinned at it, his throaty voice suddenly getting more cheerful. "I got some Snail-Po."

"Snail-Po? You have a snail?"

"No. I just wanted my breakfast."

Mr. Tailfin stared at him, mouth gaping open like a dark tunnel. "You eat Snail-Po for breakfast?"

"Well, it's cheaper than anything else. The taste is a little rough getting used to, but it's worth it. Anyway. Next. Then I took the Pill." Seeing Inspector Tailfin's confusion, he shrugged. "I'm old. Old people take medication."

"What kind of medication? Pain medication? Depression medication?" He paused before revealing the last kind he had in mind, "Random bouts of insanity that might lead you to kill people medication?"

"Naaah. I'm just old."

"Continue." From only this brief minute of conversation, Inspector Tailfin had written two whole pages of notes.

"Then I let out a really long burp-,"

"Let's just skip to the part where you get to the Krusty Krab."

Mr. Krabs set down the coin. "So I got to the Krusty Krab. And I said hello to Spongebob, then to get to work makin' them patties. And he did. So I went into my office."

"And did what?"

"Well, counted me money, of course! What else would I do?"

Inspector Tailfin rose an eyebrow. All managers did was count their money? Maybe he should have been a manager instead of a crummy investigator. Pay was bad, people leapt on you and tried to rip your gills out, there were never enough girls…

"Ahem. Don't you want to know how much money I have?"

Inspector Tailfin gulped. "No thanks. When did you see Spongebob?"

"Well, Squidward told me something was wrong. And we walked into the kitchen, then… Bam! Sad as a penny down the gutter. Me fry cook was dead! X'ed eyes and all."

"So you're telling me you view this as a bad thing?"

"A bad thing?" Mr. Krabs stood, his tone menacing. "A bad thing? It's a terrible thing! My business will spiral down, my money will fall out of me mattress like Snail-Po from a can: it all comes out at once, in one big glob. I won't 'ave another penny for the rest of me life until this murderer is arrested and I get meself a new sponge!"

"Fascinating." Inspector Tailfin scrawled down the quote on his clipboard, eyebrows as high as sea level. "Be a good crab and bring in Squidward, eh?"

_Next Time on The Death of Spongebob_

"Squidward Tentacles, what do you think of Spongebob?"

"I don't think of Spongebob. I've worked very hard to forget his existence completely." Squidward laughed at his own joke, and his big nose wiggled. "Don't think... forget his existence..." He chuckled again.

Inspector Tailfin made a clicking sound with his tongue and wrote down "Makes Lame Jokes" in big letters on his clipboard.


	3. Interview With Squidward

**The Death of Spongebob: A Spongebob Murder Mystery**

**Chapter Three: Interview with Squidward**

Squidward entered the room, blank eyes darting, and seated himself at the desk across from Inspector Tailfin. He rested his chin on his tentacles without a word.

"Squidward Tentacles, what do you think of Spongebob?"

"I don't think of Spongebob. I've worked very hard to forget his existence completely." Squidward laughed at his own joke, and his big nose wiggled. "Don't think... forget his existence..."

Inspector Tailfin made a clicking sound with his tongue and wrote down "Makes Lame Jokes" in big letters on his clipboard. "So you're telling me you're not a big fan of him?"

"Not a big fan of him? He spends every day... annoying me... bothering me... pestering me... ruining my life." Voice reduced to a whine, Squidward's mouth curled down into a frown. "You're glad you met him after he was dead."

"Have you ever done anything violent to Spongebob?" Inspector Tailfin, alarmed, drew many large exclamation points on his clipboard.

"Well, not intentionally..."

"Please explain."

Squidward sighed. "I once gave him a pie."

"That's violent? I thought that was friendly."

"Not just any pie. I didn't know, but it was a bomb pie. I was exploding with glee when I found out he hadn't eaten it after all." Snickering once again, he hunched over, eyes glittering fiendishly. "Exploding... Get it? I crack myself up..."

After the "Makes Lame Jokes" remark in his notepad, Inspector Tailfin wrote "repeatedly" in even larger letters. "How did you come across him today?"

Laughter finally died down, Squidward looked at him blankly. "Well, I work at the cashier. The patties weren't coming in, and I poked my head to the back. He was just lying there, completely still. Dead."

"Do you have any clue who might've done it?"

"My guess is Patrick. He's so dumb he couldn't score as high as a brick in an IQ test."

Before Squidward had the chance to laugh again, Inspector Tailfin lashed out with another question. "Are you on any medication?"

"No, but with all the annoyances Spongebob gave me, I should've had a couple over-the-counter pills. Why?"

Inspector Tailfin's face became innocent. "No reason. I'm through with you. Can you please send in Sheldon?" He looked down at his clipboard, flipped to the next page and printed, "Prime Suspect: Squidward Tentacles".

_Next Time on The Death of Spongebob_

"Sheldon Plankton, what were you doing in the Krusty Krab today?"

The small green creature blinked its single eye and replied in an alarmingly loud voice. "Trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula, of course."

"And does Spongebob have that formula?"

"Yes. I should know. I know quite a bit. I went to college."


	4. Interview With Plankton

**The Death of Spongebob**

**Chapter Four: Interview with Plankton**

The door opened and closed rather rapidly. Inspector Tailfin looked around wildly. "Is someone there?"

A cinematic boinging sound echoed about the office. "Yes. It is I, Plankton!" Onto the desk hopped a miniscule being.

"Sheldon Plankton, what were you doing in the Krusty Krab today?"

The small green creature blinked its single eye and replied in an alarmingly loud voice. "Trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula, of course."

"And does Spongebob have that formula?"

"Yes. I should know. I know quite a bit. I went to college."

Inspector Tailfin narrowed his eyes. "Yes, yes, that's all very interesting. Did you see Spongebob while you attempted this heinous act?"

He shrugged his nearly nonexistent shoulders. "I only saw Mr. Krabs. Until Mr. Krabs went into the kitchen suddenly, and I followed. And there he was."

"How did you feel about this?"

"Oh, we were friends, once, a long time ago..." He sighed wistfully, then his face cleared of emotion. "I felt okay. I don't think about Spongebob much. As long as I get the Krabby Patty formula..."

"What do you plan to _do _with the Krabby Patty formula if you get it?"

Plankton's face scrunched up in thought. "I... don't know. I think I'll probably use it in my burgers and sell them worldwide and make millions of dollars, with which I will buy custody of several chain restaraunts then take over the world. After that, I haven't planned much."

"Take over the world? At your height?" Inspector Tailfin snorted.

"Hey! Don't make fun of me. When I get my growth spurt..." His voice became even louder, menacing. "I will crush you."

"...Ohhhh-kay." Inspector Tailfin looked down at his notes. "So do you hold a personal grudge against Spongebob in any way?"

"Spongebob? Not really. Unless he gets in the way of my evil."

"...No further questions."

Plankton looked at him, his eye widening. "Do you think I'm the murderer?"

"No." Inspector Tailfin admitted, looking at his clipboard. "But I do think that you might need some therapy. You're kind of... weird."

Plankton's mouth twisted into a frown. "Oh."

_Next Time on The Death of Spongebob_

"Patrick Star, you are Spongebob's closest friend, yes?"

The starfish's mouth opened wide, revealing several crooked teeth. He spoke in a dull, low voice. "Wow, this question is hard! When do I get my results? Did I win?"

"I just want to know if you're Spongebob's friend."

Patrick uttered a wail. "Who's Spongebob? No, don't tell me! I know this one! Uhhhh... 13! Yes! The answer is 13!"

Inspector Tailfin sighed. "Never mind. Let's talk about something else."


	5. Interview with Patrick

**The Death of Spongebob**

**Chapter Five: Interview with Patrick**

Patrick Star sat across from Inspector Tailfin, staring him down with dull eyes devoid of intelligence. A few moments of speechlessness passed, where Inspector Tailfin wrote on his clipboard several useless details about Patrick. Actually, they were all the same fact. If one were to look over the Inspector's shoulder, they might see that he had scribbled down "Pink" an ungodly number of times.

Finally, without looking up, he asked a question. "Patrick Star, you are Spongebob's closest friend, yes?"

The starfish's mouth opened wide, revealing several crooked teeth. He spoke in a dull, low voice. "Wow, this question is hard! When do I get my results? Did I win?"

"I just want to know if you're Spongebob's friend."

Patrick uttered a wail. "Who's Spongebob? No, don't tell me! I know this one! Uhhhh... 13! Yes! The answer is 13!"

Inspector Tailfin sighed. "Never mind. Let's talk about something else." He looked up at Patrick at last, his eyes narrowed slightly in annoyance. "We'll just assume you're his friend. Since that is what my notes plainly read. Have you ever killed something? For example, been unable to take care of a pet? Or a _friend?_" At this he leaned forward slightly.

"I have a pet! His name is Rock. He is a snail! And I also had a kid once."

"You had a kid?" At this, Inspector Tailfin rose his eyebrows.

"With Spongebob! He was really cute! A clam. Spongebob was the mommy." At this, Patrick nodded for emphasis. "But Spongebob won't let us have another! I don't know why."

"Uhhhhmmm... Let's talk about something else."

Patrick jumped up from his seat. "Where's Spongebob? I wanna play with him!"

"The forensic scientist took him while Mr. Krabs was getting interviewed. In a little he'll be back."

Patrick stared forward stupidly. "Forensic? Is the scientist gonna give him fur?"

"No. He's going to dissect him to find out how he died."

"Ohhhhhhh." The starfish nodded, eyes still confused. "Well I lost my ribs the other day, and if the scientist has them, can you get him to send them over?"

Inspector Tailfin nodded, fins crossed behind his back. He quickly wrote on his clipboard, 'Is chronically stupid.' With yet another nod for emphasis, he spoke. "I think it's time you go out there with the others. I'm going to look at my notes and try to discern who the killer is."

Patrick's jaw dropped. "Spongebob is dead? Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

_Announcer fish: _Interrupting this shocking realization of the demise of a yellow underwater sponge! This time we will not be giving a preview to the next chapter. Instead we will give an insight to Spongebob at the Forensic's. Scooter? Take us away.

_A Glance at Spongebob at the Forensic's: With Scooter the Beach Dude Fish_

A purple fish wearing swimming trunks (and now a lab suit) stood over the deceased Spongebob with a dopey smile on his face. Grabbing a tool, he cut off a peice of sponge.

"A bit of sponge! Awwwwwesome!" He sliced off another. "Another bit of sponge! Awwwwwwesome! ...whooooooa, there's some ribs in here!!!"


	6. The Shocking Conclusion

**The Death of Spongebob**

**Chapter Six: The Shocking Conclusion**

Inspector Tailfin paced back and forth, glancing at the four suspects. "Eugene Krabs. Supposedly, your business will fail if Spongebob is dead. But what if it actually attracts customers? The idea of a murder is very fascinating to most."

Mr. Krabs gulped.

Turning slightly to Squidward, the Inspector spoke coldly. "Squidward Tentacles. You have been annoyed with Spongebob for quite a while, nearly killing him once in the past. What if now you lost it?"

Squidward looked down.

Then, without looking down at Plankton, Tailfin continued. "And you. Spongebob's death could be quite likely your attempt at a blow to Eugene."

Plankton glared and shouted something about a Bachelor's degree.

Finally the detective looked Patrick in his dull, dumb eyes. "But Patrick, you probably haven't even realized that he's dead. Meaning that your lack of intelligence would make it very likely you could kill him."

Patrick drooled a bit from the side of his mouth. "I lack intelligence?"

Suddenly, the doors burst open. Scooter, clad in his lab suit, wheeled in a poorly glued back together sponge. "I have found out the cause of death! And let me say, it is awwwwwwwesome!"

Inspector Tailfin's head whipped around and he took three large steps toward the body. "What is it?"

"Some jerk chopped him into tiny pieces and tried to glue him back together!" Scooter shook his head sadly. "I don't know who would do that! He was perfectly alive when he came into the labratory..."

"What!" Inspector Tailfin turned around a full revolution, looking at the astonished faces of the suspects. "You mean that the murderer is... you, Scooter!"

Patrick grabbed a bag of popcorn. "This is a plot twist I never would've expected!"

Scooter laughed nervously. "Heeeey... I didn't kill him! Some forensic scientist did!"

"Which you aren't!" The Inspector, suddenly dominating the scene, cried out. "Show me your forensics liscence!"

The purple fish looked around. "Whhhhoooaaaa... I'm not a forensic scientist! Duuude... I never woulda guessed..."

Squidward stood from his chair. "And Tailfin here has a shocking secret too!"

All eyes turned to Squidward.

"That... hair..." He looked almost pained as he continued. "Is a toupee!"

"NOOO!" Tailfin screamed. "Why...! We must all have our secrets... Why did you tell?"

Mr. Krabs stood as well. "To hide from the fact that he watched Spongebob die!"

"He wasn't dead!" Squidward yelled. "Patrick was drawing x's over his eyes! That's all!"

Patrick looked around stupidly. "I was drawing X's over his eyes?"

Plankton, who had already been standing, shouted loudly. "But I have the most shocking information of all!"

No one turned to look at him.

"Hey! My opinion can be trusted, too! I went to college!"

Inspector Tailfin narrowed his eyes at him. "But you're weird. And evil."

"But... LISTEN!"

Everything fell silent, save for the slight laugh of Scooter. But, then, as Inspector Tailfin turned to Scooter to tell him to stop he then realized...

Scooter was not laughing.

"Da ha ha ha ha!"

Who was laughing?

Spongebob stood up. "I'm ready!"

Squidward looked forward blankly at him. "Well, I'm ready to actually kill Spongebob for worrying the Beneptune out of us!"

Mr. Krabs nodded. Plankton grabbed a flamethrower. Scooter took an incising tool from the bed he had wheeled Spongebob in. Patrick bared his one tooth. Inspector Tailfin yelled a battle cry.

---

Spongebob ran for his life, fleeing from the angry mob.

"We're gonna get you, Spongebob!" Squidward yelled.

"We're getting Spongebob?" Patrick's mouth contorted into a frown. "I thought we were going to the carnival!"

---

Not Exactly The End Just Yet

---


	7. The Really Really Real Ending For Real

**The Death (and now Life) of Spongebob**

**Epilogue: The Really Really Real End (For Real)**

-Spongebob and Patrick-

"Da ha ha ha ha!!!!" The yellow sponge laughed with the pink starfish. Sitting next to one another in Jellyfish Fields, each with a bagged lunch of Krabby Patties beside them, they swung their jellyfish nets aimlessly at passing jellyfish. "You know what, Pat?"

"What?"

Spongebob's dislodged mouth laughed. "I made it out in only seventeen pieces! Everything turned out just fine." His swinging arm crawled back to the rest of the chunks of sponge lying around Patrick. "Can you pass me my Krabby Patty? I'm gonna put some jellyfish jelly on it."

"Sure, buddy." He passed Spongebob's bag to him and lifted his own bag. "I'm gonna put some on mine, too!" He grabbed the saran-wrapped patty and smeared jelly all over the wrap, taking a huge bite. "Yum."

They erupted into laughter. After a few moments, it died own, and Patrick grinned at Spongebob. "Yeah, you're right, flowers _are_ funny."

---

-Squidward and Mr. Krabs-

"Well, Spongebob's alive again. I guess the little guy can't die, huh? Just gonna come back every time we're close to happiness." Squidward began to laugh, his nose wiggling. "Close... happiness... I'm hilarious." Leaning slightly on his mop, he looked at Mr. Krabs, who gleefully counted the money he had gained from the publicity.

"Twenty one... twenty two... twenty three..."

"Well, I guess _someone _gained from that little murder mystery."

Mr. Krabs shot him a glare. "Shut yer mouth and mop."

---

-Plankton and Scooter-

"It's horrible! Every time I try and steal the Krabby Patty formula, he's there! All I want is to take over the world! Why won't Mr. Krabs realize that?" Plankton sat on the miniature leather armchair, staring at the suit-clad purple fish scribbling on his notepad.

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And how do you feel about that?"

---

-Inspector Tailfin-

"You see, Officer. I don't want to be a detective any more."

The bulgy-eyed fish looked at him with his gills twitching. "Why not?"

"During the Spongebob case... I learned something."

"And what is that?"

Inspector Tailfin ripped off his suit to reveal a sparkly tuxedo. "I wanna be a star!"

"Huh?" The fish adjusted his police badge, and his mouth curled into an expression reminiscent of Elvis.

"I wanna star in a soap opera! And dance! And sing! Yeah, I'll do that!" He adopted a grin and began to tap-dance. "See?"

"...Phil, you're fired."

---

A/N: Yes. It is finally over. There will be no more. But refer to my forum and you can vote for what SB fanfics you'd like me to write next. I have a few good ideas. Also, anyone seeing the Best Day Ever marathon tomorrow, rock on. I'm staying up for the entire thing. Thank you everyone for the excellent reviews!


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